“She stole my life”: Male victim’s Heart-breaking story of Domestic Abuse
“I felt like I was trapped in a perpetual state of fear”, one man’s story of 8 years of Abuse
Imagine living in a constant state of fear, walking on eggshells, never knowing when your partner's mood will shift. For a one 36-year-old man, this was his reality for eight long years.
He suffered emotional and psychological abuse at the hands of his 31-year-old partner. His story is a heart-breaking reminder that domestic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of gender.
Behind closed doors, a secret epidemic of domestic abuse is devastating the lives of countless men. Forced into silence by fear, shame, and societal stigma, these victims suffer in isolation, their stories untold and their wounds unseen. One man's harrowing account of years of untold suffering at the hands of his partner exposes the dark reality of male victimhood and the desperate need for support and understanding.
According to Joan Nabuuma, project coordinator for Foundation for Male Engagement, a charity that deals with gender-based violence against boys and men, the issue is more prevalent than we think. "We've got a patriarchal society that has engraved values, or these archetypes of men are supposed to be strong. A man cannot be violated by a woman. The male gender is expected to be the stronger one."
Nabuuma explains that this mindset leads to underreporting of cases. "Most times reporting is on a lower actual level than it should be. However, because we've been in business for some time, most men find it easy to associate with us because they wouldn't feel judged."
But what happens when men do speak out? I had the opportunity to conduct a face-to-face interview with a male victim of domestic abuse, who has chosen to remain anonymous but gave one name Graham. His heart-breaking story sheds broad light on how men are harshly treated in closets and need for urgent handling of the matter by responsible bodies.
"I met a woman, we got to know each other, and we decided to move in together. After we moved in together, she started acting differently and being envious of me and stopped me from seeing or talking to any of my friends."
The victim's situation escalated to the point where he became trapped in the relationship. "I'm not able to leave the house because we have a mortgage together. That means if I leave, I won’t have anywhere to go and would be financially constrained by all this and more force me to stay."
When Graham is unable to leave the house he seeks refuge his own way as he reveals, "I hide in a hidden room in the house for safety and peace. It is my only sanctuary, my only refuge from the pain that is in my life."
The victim's emotional and psychological abuse has taken a devastating toll. "I started harming myself by rubbing my skin so hard with my fingers and nails. I have wounds all over my hands and all over my neck. I do self-harm. I don't think I'm going to stop doing self-harming because the situation becomes worse and worse every day."
In a heart-wrenching moment, the victim revealed the true extent of his suffering. "She stole my life," he said, his voice cracking with emotion. "I feel like I've lost myself in the relationship."
Nabuuma emphasizes that this victim's story is not an isolated incident. "We've got people being imprisoned for life if someone dies or if the damage is so huge on the person. So, let us try to look at the impact of our actions before we act in the heat of passion."
She also stresses the importance of support for male victims. "Just because several men are not coming out to talk about their plight, does not actually mean that they are okay. Someone has got to come out and convince them that they've got a safe space to speak about whatever they are going through."
As Nabuuma notes, the current economic crisis has exacerbated the issue. "In recent times, we have had a major crisis that was brought about by the COVID period, where the majority of men lost their jobs or started the tendencies of working from home and as a result fights started erupting in families."
To address this growing problem, Nabuuma advocates for increased awareness and support. "We need to reconcile people, even when they run to friends, don’t give advice that separates or divides them but rather, show them how to live with each other and raise their families."
Michael Clark 75, thinks the public can avoid the problem. “Mary is a good wife and try to just talk through matters not fighting. I have never witnessed domestic violence but from the news around the world it gets worse and worse.” he said.
According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), 1 in 6 men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. The ONS also reports that 1 in 3 victims of domestic abuse are male.
A survey by the charity, Mankind initiative, found that 71% of male victims of domestic abuse reported feeling isolated and alone.
Of domestic abuse crimes recorded by the police, 25% were committed against men.
However only 4.8% of victims of domestic abuse being supported by local domestic services are men according to Safe Lives data. This highlights how few men are being supported for local domestic abuse services (ONS 2022/23).
Experts point to various factors contributing to the rise in domestic abuse against men including, economic uncertainty and stress, increased isolation, societal stigma and shame surrounding male victimhood and lack of awareness and support for male victims.
IF YOU OR SOME YOU KNOW FACES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ASSISTANCE IS AVAILABLE.
CONTACT THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE (08082000247) OR VISIT THEIR WEBSITE.